Change and Heartbreak

 You know the way people change throughout the years?  How do some parts remain and other parts of people go? A contagious laugh, someone shaking their leg all the time, someone is on their phone, or someone always checking up on you. Even with love, after being fixated on how amazing someone is you usually find their flaws with time. I used to think that those flaws were somehow revealed, like a surprise of some sort. While that may the case, I have started to think that those “flaws” have been there since the very beginning but that we just didn’t notice them. So how is that their change? It sounds like it is more our fault for not realizing their flaws, to begin with. However, we are not to blame either. We were just too busy falling in love with the idea of people. I started to think about what I can do with this new realization of mine. 

I compared this with my longest friendships and how we have both changed as people synchronously. We are both aware of our flaws and that we understand them well. In fact, we use our flaws and vulnerability to ask for help and advice. It doesn't matter how compatible you are in the beginning but rather how much you are able to handle, understand, and cope with one’s flaws. 

Throughout my life, I have had many friendships and within those, some have failed. Not because we drifted apart but rather due to us trying to force a friendship. There are certain courses and journeys we are to take, and I have had met so many amazing people I refused to think that they were only meant to be temporary. 

I have a friend who I met at my lowest point. She was at her lowest as well. We bonded over that and we were able to relate, lean on each other, and most of the time laugh and enjoy each other’s company. One of my best college memories is with these people. But sometimes things changed and we make mistakes. We get into an argument or two. We push them away because we don’t want to be hurt, but also we love them a little too much that we don’t want to keep hurting them. 

Some people have the most beautiful minds and souls but make mistakes that can harm them. This can be out of not having love and respect for themselves, but also because they don’t mind making mistakes. Standing on the sidelines of such friendships are tough. Some days these friendships confused and drained me. But the love I have for these friends is limitless. My flaw is that I can give love to people who don’t deserve it all the time. I just can’t stop not loving someone when they don’t love themselves. 

Change is scary. One day, I snapped out of it. Found out that my actions and feelings can mean and do different things. But also that certain terrible actions can be out of love. So I have made my fair share of mistakes. Even if I had the right intentions I wasn’t able to show them. I came to understand that I don’t always have to support my friends and that I have to give them opinions and ideas that I think are right. I grew within the friendship and finally knew how I had to go about some things without getting hurt watching them hurt themselves. 

I knew that when I changed my friends probably thought I don’t love or care about them anymore. I was heartbroken to do such a thing but I knew it was my time to change because I couldn't stay in the same pattern. You can’t change and expect someone to pack up their things and just follow. Sometimes you need to move in, no matter how heartbreaking it is.

Usually, friendships that push you to the limits and make you realize things about yourself are the toughest, heartbreaking, beautiful friendships you could ever have. They navigate you to grow the most. The hurt after a while becomes a part of a new you. Although those memories stay with you. The course of the friendship is so ingrained into you after all the nights crying, thinking, and missing them. The bittersweet sounds that an acoustic guitar song plays often brings back these memories for me. Depending on the weather I remember the days I spent with them. I can’t thank them enough. 

Hurt really does make you grow. When you hurt each other you’re both going to grow so much that you can’t grow in the same direction anymore. It’s heartwrenching but it's life. To me, having these feelings really prove how alive I am. That while I’m on a floating rock with insignificant thoughts and experiences I am still alive and experiencing them.