She's Reconnecting

 When I was fifteen I left my parents and went to a boarding school in the Japanese countryside. It looked like it was out of a Studio Ghibli movie. To this day I know I went to that school because I wanted to study Japanese. Only I did not want to study Japanese in Singapore as there was only one option for high school there. There was maybe a part of me that knew I had left because I was not truly happy with the life I had at home in Singapore. 

The dorm life was so much fun. While I am not connected with most people that I lived with at the time, I was able to make connections that I'm sure are going to last a lifetime. One of them is my best friend, I will refer to her as Hana for this story. 

Hana and I were recently talking about how much life is changing so quickly right before our eyes. Having spent the last two years studying during a global pandemic, Hana and I did not expect our lives to turn out this way and I am sure many can agree with this testament. 

We were both recently back in our "hometowns" and were able to spend quality time with our family. Probably the most time we were able to spend with our families since the pandemic. I, for sure had not been with both my parents since September of 2020. Being back at home was what inspired my other piece The Taxi Ride Home. 

Up until last year August, I was in the worst state of my life. I was not happy. I thought I was happy but now that I've felt true happiness I pity the girl who misunderstood that word far too much back then. I was in a relationship that was no good for me. It feels incredibly personal to put this out online but I believe that relationships truly shape and influence our personalities and lives and sometimes it is for the worst.

I had poured my heart and soul into something that was not deserving of me. Almost a three-year-long relationship, during the pandemic I was stuck in a cycle. As we were in a long-distance relationship, we would call and watch movies easily for four hours a day. I had utterly fallen into a routine that was not benefiting myself and yet I had not realized the damage and hours of mental unpacking I was going to have to deal with after the break-up. I was practically taking up one-fifth of my day doing something that has never fulfilled me. 

When I came back to Singapore to be with my parents this February, I was free. No calls, no messages that I felt obligated to reply to, no having to explain that I was at dinner and couldn't call, just free. For the first time, I was able to enjoy life with my family the way I wanted to. Of course, since it was after a three-year relationship my parents were rather worried about me. While it does sound like I am painting a fairly negative image of my ex I do know that I am to blame as well. I have made my fair share of my mistakes. One of the biggest was that I did not know my worth and had no courage or standards. Indirectly I had hurt my parents because they realized I had so little love for myself to have let something like this happen to me. So after numerous drunk dinners and talks with my parents, I had felt as though I talked enough. During the day I'd go on an hour walk, read a book, study, watch a movie, talk to my parents about life and how I want to spend the next chapter of it. 

I am to blame as I lost myself in the relationship. I didn't know what love or happiness meant until I saw my parents and spent some time reconnecting with my roots. Passing by locations and buildings brought nostalgic feelings that felt long-forgotten like dusk setting on a box up in the attic. Certain smells or food, memories that would remind me of who I was before I ever was anyone else's. I realized the love they had for me and the amount of love I had not given back, only to have given it to someone who ended up hurting me. Tears would well up every time I would think about all the times that I could've been happy. However, there's no point in wildering in the past. 

The point is that being with people, especially your close ones can really bring you back to where you belong. Living alone and being alone can really suck. I lose motivation, the ability to get dressed, the ability to take care of myself because there's no one to do that for. Although, I realized that because of this exact mentality I was able to let someone walk over me. If I am not able to do the bare essentials of grooming or even eating or getting tasks done, how am I meant to give back to the world, let alone to the people I love. When we're alone we tend to forget that there are people that chose to love and support us. It's unnecessarily easy to do whatever you want and be selfish without facing the immediate consequences. However, our mental state is a type of mask you put on to show the world what kind of person you are. Even if you're good at hiding it your actions are going to speak louder than any words you shout about.

I find it hard to remind myself not to be selfish. It's so easy to be in your own shell, watching TV shows and being a part of this big hug of a guilty pleasure. But now I realize that this is the same cycle I was in during the worst part of my life. There are some parts of my past relationship that were serious issues but a part of me and the lack of happiness there was in it was not recognizing this problem and fixing it. I am doing the exact same thing I did with my ex, only I am now not able to blame him for my unhappiness. 

It's hard being alone and having to keep an eye out for your habits, your chores, your upkeep of whatever it may be. I say this and feel terrified as I am not even a full-time adult yet. The only thing that I keep close to my heart that makes me feel an ounce bit better is that if so many people are able to do it, why can't I? 

Being in the right mental headspace is strenuous because you need to become the energy that inspires yourself. When I was with my family, I didn't do anything to please them but it was so much easier putting myself first because everyone else was doing that as well. In a room filled with no or very little love, it is easy to not care about yourself and only give yourself your wants, not so much your needs. Especially with the pandemic, it has gotten so hard to remind yourself that there is a world past your door that you could be conquering. A world that is ready for you to draw out and map to make your own. To do so, you need to start by reminding yourself what you are really here for. If you need a little help, remind yourself of who you were. That unapologetic person you were before you knew the scary and wonderful wonders of the world. Understand yourself without your own judgement and opinions.  At least, that's what I plan to do.