The (Not So) Obvious Things To Do In A Relationship

These days, all over social media I hear and see guys speak about "females" and I have girls on my feed preaching about "not settling for the bare minimum". 

To each their own,  I can say that there isn't one way of navigating through a relationship as you and your partner should be the only people who dictate how the relationship is going to play out.  

I've been in 3 serious relationships so far. One in High School, and two in University. 

My first relationship lasted nearly two years, my second almost three years, and my third a little less than a year. 

I will be using the extent of my 23-year-old brain and a bit of research to list a few things I think are not so obvious but can really improve a relationship. This can be applied to someone who you are just starting to talk to, someone you've been dating for a while, and for long-term relationship people a quick refresher to remind yourself that you can always surprise your partner by incorporating these things if you don't do them already. 

I know my list may seem quite obvious, but when life is moving so fast it's really easy to lose sight of the obvious things you should do. 

Index 

Love Languages 

Communication 

Equality

Attention 

"No" and "Why"

 

Love Languages and Attachments

I never read the book "The Five Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman. However, there are so many articles and quizzes online you can do to figure out what your love language is. 

{ The 5 Love Languages: https://ideas.ted.com/whats-your-favorite-persons-love-language-heres-how-to-tell-and-how-to-use-it/ } 

I think it is a good thing to understand your own love language. There is a theory that says our own love language is whatever we were lacking in childhood. However, I do not believe that it is that simple. 

I think that while our childhood may have a great impact on how we perceive love, throughout our lives, we do not only receive love from our parents and for those who did not have parents, this can definitely alter the way we show and understand love. 

Just because you feel loved by someone's acts of service, doesn't mean that you are someone who likes to show love through acts of service as you might feel anxious about showing love. Which means you have an anxious attachment style.

There are different attachment styles and since all this information is online, I do recommend for you take a look even if you are single. 

 { https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm#:~:text=Attachment%20styles%20or%20types%20are,when%20faced%20with%20relationship%20problems. }

Really understanding these two concepts about yourself will help you understand your partner. 

The concept of "love" is very man-made but, it's here in our society and I think being aware of these things can help you understand yourself in a relationship. 

I know it can be tedious, but having a psychological understanding of "love" and "attachment" can really help you grow in a relationship and decided whether or not the person you are with is really suited for you. 

Also, I always keep in mind that a relationship is always going to be hard work if you are looking for something long-term so might as well make it fun while learning about yourself. 

I think it is important to have a nice base to build a relationship. Understanding love languages and attachment styles will definitely help with this. 

Talking about this will also be a test as to whether or not you and your partner can have a serious conversation about "love" and what it means to one another. 

Communication

I think there should be boundaries for communication. Nowadays, it is so easy to text someone everything about your day. 

I think doing that will lack some intimacy when you have a  phone call later on and aren't able to talk about your day then. 

Even if you are meeting up that day, going home to the same apartment, or even calling at night. 

I think about when I would prefer to talk about a certain topic, and how I would like to talk about it. 

I think about being able to hear them laugh if I tell them something funny that has just happened later that evening when I see them. 

I understand that this can be quite hard with a busy schedule, but even making a note on your phone to talk about things at a later time together can improve the emotional connections you have in person than through text. 

Equality 

Regardless of the gender you and your partner are I think that equality does not mean doing things equally or reciprocating to balance things out. 

Despite your relationship being something short or long term, I believe in giving a relationship your all as I personally, don't want to ever regret not showing enough emotions. 

I think equality in a relationship isn't just splitting the bill 50/50, but knowing that you would be okay with covering the bill if your partner forgot their wallet, not because of your kindness and love but because you know they would do the same. 

Knowing that you are receiving equal treatment is what I think helps in keeping the relationship equal in a relationship. 

The obvious thing to do is to know that you can give them however much love and affection you want because you know that they are doing the same for you. 

The moment you feel unsafe or uncertain that you are putting more effort and attention into the relationship, that would be a moment for me to rethink and talk with my partner.

Attention 

Noticing, reacting, and connecting seem so obvious to do but can go a long way. I am sure you have heard of  M. Gottman PhD. He is a psychologist who has focused his study on couples' behavioural interactions. He has a famous method called the Gottman Method which has been seen to accurately predict the Divorce / Separation of a couple. 

One of his most famous studies is how couples reacted to each other when either one of them pointed out something. 

The couples M. Gottman PhD has predicted would stay together had a higher amount of interaction and reactions to things their partner pointed out to them no matter how small those things were. 

Even when you have been together for a long period, it is important to continue to notice your partner, react to your partner and connect through small moments together. 

"No" and "Why"

This title may confuse you. 

Regardless of how long you have been in a relationship with someone, to be fully understanding of your partner, it is important to just listen and stop when you are pushing a boundary. 

When your partner asks you to stop doing something even if to you it doesn't seem like a big deal, sometimes if it isn't a big deal it is better not to even ask why. 

I have had personal situations where I would get frustrated and tell my partner I didn't like what they did or what they said or that they talked to this girl or anything of that sort. 

When people ask you nicely for something you are most likely at the end of the safe zone. 

Occasionally, there aren't any logical explanations for people's boundaries or you both haven't reached the point of discussing it yet. 

In those cases, when you can see that it is a much bigger deal for them than it is for you it should be easy to stop and not ask why. Instead of asking "Why" or that you "want to understand", accept them for who they are and what they are saying. 

Finally, 

I would just like to thank all the relationships that have taught me what I know today. 

I do want to state that I am no professional and that this blog post is just a combination of things I look out for when I started dating after my 3-year-long relationship. 

Also just an additional note, I attached quizzes for Attachment Styles and Love Languages below and recommend you do them with your significant other as it can be a great bonding experience too! 

Links and Information Used:

https://thriveworks.com/blog/how-can-gottman-method-benefit-my-relationship/#:~:text=Study%20on%20Divorce-,Dr.,divorce%20with%20a%2093.6%25%20accuracy.

https://familiesforlife.sg/discover-an-article/Pages/What-Do-Long-Lasting-Couples-Do-Differently.aspx

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm#:~:text=Attachment%20styles%20or%20types%20are,when%20faced%20with%20relationship%20problems.

https://ideas.ted.com/whats-your-favorite-persons-love-language-heres-how-to-tell-and-how-to-use-it/ 

{Quizzes to Find Out your Attachment Style }

https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/

{ Quizzes to Find out your Love Language } 

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language